In my defense, this came to me during a five-hour drive from New Jersey to Massachusetts for a Wilco show. My inspiration was the WII-lco t-shirt, which resembles a cartoon. I got to thinking on this long, lonely drive about what the Wilco Scooby-Doo style cartoon would be like. I just started with who would be who, according to cartoon stereo types based on looks.
And then my imagination just went to this place…
Nels: Since he's the oldest, he'd be the smart, rational one in charge -- sort of the Fred, if you will. Often rolling his eyes at the antics of Glenn and Pat (see below).
John: He appears to be just a really nice, normal, intelligent guy. He'd be second in command, sort of the guy version of Velma. He and Nels would be the ones who actually solve the mystery.
Mikael: He wears glasses, so obviously he's the nerdy professor. He's created all these contraptions that come out of his keyboards, e.g., he presses a key and transforms the Wilco-mobile into a helicopter, race car, hovercraft -- whatever the situation warrants.
Glenn: Drummer = wild and crazy guy who's always getting into trouble; scared of dark, scary houses.
Pat: There’s something very Peter Torkish about him. With that mop-top he gives off a very naive, innocent appearance. Therefore, he gets teamed with Glenn to investigate the dark, scary house.
Note: At some point, Glenn and Pat will disguise themselves as French maids to fool the bad guys. Believe it or not, it works.
Jeff: Since he's the front man, the only purpose he serves is to get kidnapped and spend most of the episode bound and gagged.
The plot goes along these lines: Wilco is playing a benefit show to raise money for the local orphanage. The bad guy, Mr. Snively, wants to buy the orphanage to turn it into a parking lot. His dastardly plan to thwart the band's efforts? Kidnap Jeff (see above). So, Mr. Snively's henchmen, Bruno and Max, disguise themselves as teenage girls who want Jeff's autograph. And – despite the fact that Bruno and Max are large men with ample five o’clock shadow, Jeff falls for the disguise. Unknown to Jeff, the pen contains some noxious gas. When he opens the pen, purple smokes flies out and Jeff is knocked unconscious (with the appropriate amount of twirling eyes and birdies).
Back in the dressing room, the other band members realize Jeff is missing. They need to go find him, but the show starts soon, so long-suffering manager Tony M forbids them from leaving.
In true rock-n-roll rebellion fashion, the boys decide to ignore Tony and head out in search of their leader. But how: Tony stationed a big, burly security guard at the dressing room door.
Then the appropriate light bulb goes off over Mikael. “Invisibility!” he shouts. “I programmed an invisibility cloak into my keyboards. All I have to do is play the opening of ‘Walken’, then transition into the mid section of ‘At least that’s What You Said,’ then the close of ‘Spiders’ .. And before you can say ‘Albert Einstein’, we….are…invisible.”
The now invisible boys all sneak out and the search for clues is on. The first one: the discarded poison pen. Professor Jorgensen takes a quick sniff and announces, “If my highly advanced nasal passages are correct, this is knock out gas. And here on the ground is a trail of what smells like Diet Coke. One can only deduce that that a pair of dastardly henchmen – disguised as teeny boppers – fooled Jeff into signing an autograph. Only, the pen was filled with knock out gas than rendered him unconscious, he spilled his Diet Coke and left a trail behind him in that direction.”
Nels hands out the assignments: Nels and John will go to City Hall to find out more about Snively Industries; Mikael will go back to his lab at the Loft to see if he can get any more clues off the pen; and Glenn and Pat are told to follow the trail of Diet Coke.
And the individual adventures go like this…
Nels scratches his head, “Well, ole Mr. Snively must not be too pleased with our little show tonight, which is going to raise enough money to keep the orphanage open for years to come. But not is Jeff is not there. I bet you if we find Snively, we find Jeff. And the show will go on.”
Mikael: Back at the Loft, Mikael has made an interesting discovery. He shows Nels and John that the mysterious substance he discovered on the pen can only be found at Snively Industries. So, Mikael, Nels and John hop back into the Wilco-mobile and head for the big, bad Snively Industries.
Pat and Glenn: The trail of Diet Coke leads to Snively Industries, which, for the purposes of this story, is a dark, scary house. After a few rounds of “I’m-not-going-first-you-go-first,” the boys go inside, holding tight to each other and with the appropriate amount of knobbing knees. They are met with a pair of bright, yellow eyes peering at them from the darkness. The response to Glenn’s shaky “Who are you?” is “Who”. This goes on for a few rounds, with an increasingly agitated Glenn. Mercifully, this ends with an owl flying out.
They find Jeff bound and gagged in a room, being guarded by Bruno and Max. How will Glenn and Pat save Jeff? LIGHT BULB! Dress up as French maids. The boys don the outfits (where they found French maid outfits in a dark, scary house? Who cares? It’s a cartoon and a little thing called “Suspension of Disbelief”) and try to distract the guards. The gagged Jeff rolls his eyes at the attempt.
The French maid disguise works until the wig is pushed off Pat’s head. And the chase is on. Glenn and Pat grab Jeff (still bound and gagged), lift him up over their head and run. They meet up with John, Nels and Mikael, and they all run though the streets of Chicago, while holding the bound and gagged Jeff aloft and being chased by Bruno and Max. This all happens to tune of "Just a Kid," hilarity ensues.
They get back in time to plays to show and save the orphanage.
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